I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
