She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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