So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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