Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
