i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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