Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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