please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
