Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
