How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
