i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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