She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
