I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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