I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
