probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
