why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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