if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
