There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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