he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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