Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
