so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just want nice things and good sex
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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