if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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