I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
