I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize