Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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