How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize