I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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