Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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