I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
