i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
