Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
