turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
