When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
