$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
