there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I need a burrito and a hug.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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