now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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