As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
