whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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