You smell like a Billy Joel song
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
