When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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