Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
