this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
