1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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