Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
