i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
