Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
