Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
