Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
