I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
