i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
