this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
