I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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