I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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