textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
