What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
