so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
