Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
