I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
i now understand why vodka
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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