New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
