dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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