Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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