Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
