whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
