I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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