Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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