now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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