i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
