Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
