Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
