I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
