Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize