I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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