I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
